We all know that we can’t be in a healthy relationship with someone else if we’re constantly nagging, judging or bringing them down – yet, we seem to forget that the same applies to the relationship we have with ourselves.
How is that we think it’s acceptable to be so cruel and critical with ourselves? Why do we put up with that bullshit – and more importantly, how is it that we continue stick around for the abuse of our own self-judgment?
When we badger ourselves the way most of us do, we create a major separation between the “i” who thinks, talks, breathes and moves their way through life – and the “I”, the greater part of our beings who loves us unconditionally. That’s why it feels so damn bad when we’re hard on ourselves. We’ve put a wedge between i and I.
The greatest lesson I’ve learned this year, and at times, the hardest one to swallow, is that being hard on yourself is never – ever – the answer.
Which I know, is counterintuitive to what so many of us have been brought up to believe.
We’re supposed to look at our weaknesses more attentively and more often than we do our strengths – those are the areas that need our attention, since we already have the other stuff figured out. Whether someone has explicitly told us this or not, we’ve witnessed the people in our lives live this way, and have followed suit.
The focus shifts from ‘what do I do well’, to ‘what do I still need to improve’ and so continues the agony of self-judgment.
Like you hear me say every single week, what you focus on grows. It’s logical isn’t it? Whichever animal you feed will get bigger.
So the question is, which are you going to feed? What you do amazingly well and what you’ve got goin on for you, or what you don’t do so well and how much you suck at this, that or the other thing?
We’re so afraid that if we don’t address our every “failure”, weakness or malaise, that we will never grow into the best version of ourselves.
But this I know for sure:
When we’re hard on ourselves we deplete our energy and our love; we feel drained and too tired to show up for life, for ourselves. But when we fill our cups with love and positive encouragement, we are replenished, revitalized and ready for more – which ultimately leads us on a path of growth.
One keeps you stuck in a loop of tragic self-despair and one raises you higher. And it’s really your choice which way you want to go.
People don’t become “good” by making themselves feel “bad”. They step into their full power as they continue to foster, nurture and appreciate the goodness that’s already there.
You my dear don’t need any fixing, all you need is your love and kindness.
So as you consider what it takes to be in a healthy relationship with someone else, always bring it back to the relationship you have with yourself. This is your jump off point- it determines your expectations, your standards and your trajectory.
The relationship between you and YOU is truly what matters most.
Peace & self-acceptance,