My Final Release of Guilt

There’s something that’s been weighing heavy on my heart for the last week. It’s painful and quite honestly, I’m not sure how valid any of it really is. When we spin our minds thinking about the same thing for too long, the details get muddled and it’s hard to differentiate reality from what we’re projecting. So as I write this to you, this is my final release…of the guilt, the emotions, the trappings of my own mind around the idea that I was not present enough in the first few weeks of Cedrik’s life.

I was totally prepared to keep writing, coaching and steadily growing my business once Cedrik entered our lives on December 30th, 2017. Taking it slow, and still attending to my work, my passion, felt very aligned to me. Looking back, what I now see as unaligned, was the pressure I put on myself to release my online program, in the first 5 weeks of Cedrik’s life.

I was so attached to releasing this work before Valentine’s day; an arbitrary date I had committed to with those who were working with me on this project. Thinking I wouldn’t have as much time to take on new clients, I told myself that this program was in part a solution to that; and that it would not only fill a need in the world (which I still standby), but that it would also give me more time to be with my family. What I was missing was that now was the time, to be fully engrossed in my family. And ultimately, taking on new clients and growing that part of my work, has been effortless, joyful and has fit right in with the dynamic of our new family life.

While most of the content was done before he was born, the amount of details required to finalize the online platform, the nuts and bolts of it all was something I hadn’t quite accounted for.

Don’t get me wrong, I spent hours feeding Cedrik, kissing him endlessly and loving every part of his being. What I can now also be honest with myself about, is that there was an underlying anxiety, present through it all, to get ish done. It hurts to think about this, that I may have inadvertently and unconsciously put stress on this new baby’s life; but I refuse to stifle my emotions, knowing all too well that when I do, they stay stuck within me, causing deep wounds that will ultimately bubble to the surface in a painful way.

Did I cuddle him enough? Spend enough time, skin to skin? Evoke enough love, patience and appreciation? Did we have a proper “honeymoon” period, getting to know each other in a calm open space, free of distraction?

These are hard questions to ponder and not very useful either. Instead, I’m practicing allowing myself to feel what I feel, to sit with my feelings without judgment, resistance or reaction. I let the emotions run through me, so that they can make their way out, once and for all. This involves some tears, writing, and ultimately, letting go.

In the more still moments over the last week when I’m feeding Cedrik in bed, I find myself getting wrapped up in these thoughts and questions. Trying so hard to remember every detail of our early days together, which were both the most beautiful and foggy times. Then I get a flash of awareness and realize I’m missing the moment, right now. I’m missing the present, the here and now, the only moment that’s actually real.

What’s real is that Cedrik has the brightest smile I’ve ever seen. What’s real is that Cedrik is healthy, tall and thriving. What’s real is that Cedrik is curious, excited and calm all at once. What’s real is that he looks at Jack and I like we are his world, and that he’s happy to be here in it, with us. What’s real is that I love Cedrik with a fierceness that I could have never imagined. What’s real, is that he is my greatest teacher.

When sharing my feelings with my husband, he shared with me his wisdom, “I refuse to let you think of this as having only one chance to paint ‘your masterpiece.’ You have the choice to paint over it, to create a new picture”, he said. He also made me aware not to project my worries onto Cedrik by overcompensating for it now; passing onto him, my insecurities and making him feel like something is wrong. I’m learning that conscious parenting is far beyond picking the most organic diapers, foods and sunscreens, and way more to do with being aware of my unconsciousness so that I can choose more consciously, how to parent my unique, individual child. It’s a balance of living out my vision, while simultaneously releasing expectations.

What I see now is that entering parenthood requires a certain release of the parts of you that don’t serve your here and now. What I also see, is that this is not always an overnight process. Sometimes it takes time to shed layers, and sometimes it requires looking back, to see what you want to differently, moving forward – like be fully engaged in the moments I am with Cedrik, and allow more time for us to be apart, too. And like accepting each moment as it is, without wishing to change anything about it.  

If you’re still reading this, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to share my experience and some of my most intimate thoughts with you. This has been cathartic for me in more ways than you can know. I hope that you reading this, can also find some insight in it for yourself. Perhaps you can relate to my exact struggle, or maybe, reading this will allow you to give yourself the permission to feel your emotions and to release any hold they may have on you.

We are not perfect, nor will we ever be. What we are is self-evolving individuals, if we let ourselves be.

Peace, and so much love,

Diana. X