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There’s nothing easy about getting over an abusive relationship – whether it be mental, physical, emotional or verbal abuse.
But one thing’s for sure: you can get past it.
We’re all affected by things in incredibly different ways and there’s no one way to move on; BUT there are some clear things you can do to help yourself heal, and even more so, to help yourself thrive.
Starting with forgiving yourself
No matter what you choose to do after escaping an abusive relationship, the only way to begin the journey of recovery is to forgive yourself.
Forgive yourself for getting into that relationship in the first place.
Forgive yourself for “letting” the abuse happen.
Forgive yourself for staying in the relationship.
Forgive yourself for any other relationships or people you may have hurt.
Forgive yourself for any hate or even love, that you might feel for the abuser.
Say the words to yourself over and over until you really believe them: “I forgive myself”.
Forgiving the abuser
“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Holding onto resentment is the worst thing you can do for yourself and the best thing you can do for staying stuck in the (negative) past. It’s a negative feeling and vibration that only has a negative impact on you.
As hard as it may seem, forgiveness is a crucial step for moving past the abuse. Release the energy, release the story and leave it behind. It’s part of your history but it certainly doesn’t need to define your future. But remember, forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean accepting them in your life – especially, in this case.
Forgiveness gives you power. YOU are the one who decided to forgive and let go. YOU decided not to be a slave to the memory of the abuse.
Choose one person to talk to
We all need to work through our emotions from time to time by talking them out with the right person.
In order for this to be fruitful though, you gotta choose one person you can confide in, who has an objective (and intelligent) perspective. Expressing our emotions into words (written words included), has a surprisingly powerful impact on helping us gain clarity – and not to feel alone or unheard.
There’s a good chance you stayed silent a lot of the time when you were in the abusive relationship; maybe you were silent out of fear, or maybe out of shame, but either way, the freedom of telling the truth about what happened and how it made and makes you feel is a critical step in your emotional recovery.
Take time to mend and connect
It’s always important to take time to be with ourselves alone, disconnected from television, phones and the countless distractions of this world we live in.
But it’s even that much more important when your soul needs healing. Take time to mend the relationship with yourself, so that patterns don’t repeat themselves. A good way to start doing this is by meditating. If you’re new to it, start with just 5 minutes a day, until it starts getting easier for you to sit still. Then as you get better at it, start increasing your practice by 5 minutes everyday (trust me, if you keep at it you’ll find yourself absolutely craving this quiet time). If guided meditation is more your thing, that’s great too. The point here with the meditation is two fold: to detach from the obsessive nature of the mind, which insists on repeating painful thought patterns, and the other, is to let the subconscious mind (the essence of you), get a word in edgewise. Your subconscious mind has loads of wisdom for you, it just needs a chance to be heard.
Make the effort to come out of negative experiences even stronger and wiser. That’s your power, and that’s entirely in your control.
Let go of your attachment to the abuser
Don’t be ashamed if you find it hard to let go of the attachment you have to the abuser. It’s part of your human nature – but it definitely isn’t part of your spiritual one. Your meditation will enable you to tap into your intelligent spiritual being (we all have one), which will assist you with detaching from how you wish things would be or could’ve been. Detaching from the mind and its obsessive thinking is your way to freedom.
“Pain is inevitable as long as you are identified with your mind, which is to say as long as you are unconscious, spiritually speaking. I am talking here primarily of emotional pain, which is also the main cause of physical pain and physical disease. Resentment, hatred, self-pity, guilt, anger, depression, jealousy, and so on…” Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
Heighten your vibration and build your power
It’s important for all of us to engage in activities that elevate our spirits – things that we’re good at or that we enjoy – things that make us feel happy, alive and healthy.
It’s more than likely that during the relationship, your vibration started to lower itself; which means the frequency you’re likely putting out isn’t going to attract people and situations with higher vibrations – but those are the people and situations you do want to attract.
“Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn’t disappeared. It’s still there on the other side of the clouds.” Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
You have the power to both increase and decrease your vibration at any point in your life, based on your actions, thoughts, words and beliefs. So choose activities that give you a “natural high” – things that make your cells come to life. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. The better you start feeling, the easier it will be to think positive thoughts, say positive words and have positive beliefs about your worth – this is KEY to getting better, and to avoiding patterns repeating themselves.
Share your experience
Bring light out of a dark experience by sharing with others what you’ve gone through, what you’ve learned and the strength you’ve come out with on the other side. The abuse doesn’t have to become your story, but it can sure be part of it.
Peace, love and getting past abusive relationships,