This isn’t a story about ultimatums. And no, I didn’t trick my now husband into marrying me by getting “accidentally pregnant”. This is a story of true, conscious love. Cheesy? Maybe. Inspiring? Very.
When Jack and I first started dating, he would say things like “I don’t know if I ever want to get married”, or “If I get married it’ll be in a long time from now. I’ve seen too many people make mistakes.”
Fast forward two and half years later, and Jack was eagerly proposing to me a couple of days before Christmas.
So, how did I get him to change his mind about marriage? Or better yet, to put a ring on it?
In short, I didn’t sweat it or try to do anything at all. But since I know you want a lot more detail than that, here’s the long version.
Of course, I would get a little pang of worry when he would say things like that. I mean, I’m Egyptian. Not getting married and living with your partner, is so not an option. And I was ok with that. While marriage is certainly not for everyone, when I pictured my life, I consistently saw that “someone” I would be happily married to, and I liked that vision.
All that to say, I knew getting married was in my future. And in the same breath, I knew that being with Jack was exactly where I was meant to be, in that moment.
I had spent enough time (years) on my own, getting more acquainted with my intuition and my higher, cooler and calmer self. I had learned to trust myself and my decisions, and consequently, I trusted that Jack was supposed to be in my life, one way or another.
I didn’t focus on the one thing we potentially didn’t have in common. Instead, I focused on all the things I loved about him, and about us. And as you’ve heard me say way too many times for your liking, what you feed grows.
By focusing my attention on all the things we did have in common, those aspects of our relationship flourished.
Now, for the more tactical piece that I know you’re looking for, when the subject of marriage came up, I was always clear on where I stood. I would be married in my future.
But there’s one really important piece to take note of here:
When we spoke about marriage, yes, I made my desires clear – and yet, I never mentioned Jack. I didn’t say that he would be the one I married or that if he wanted to be with me he would have to get on the marriage train – he understood that very well on his own. I simply made my desires clear – with a gentle ‘with or without you’ undertone.
This made all the difference, because the pressure was off. I was simply being authentic, and with that information he could decide what resonated with him, or not.
Now, circling back to my previous point about focusing on what I appreciated about him and our relationship, Jack continued to fall more in love with me because of this approach, and we ultimately found our common ground on the subject.
Marriage never became a point of contention. I didn’t obsess over the matter or make into an issue. With the focus on love and appreciation, we found our way to a common place in a natural, organic way. And the reason this was easy to do, was because I had full trust in myself and him, I knew without a doubt this relationship was going to have a big (and positive) impact on my life.
From his perspective, there were a few things that played into his being inspired to marry me.
The first was our connection, and my gentle approach. The next was acknowledging that he wanted kids, and that marriage would offer them a sense of family and stability. Then, when he met my parents and understood my roots more deeply, and witnessed for himself the kind, humble family I was raised in, all hesitations were put to rest. And the underlying biggest draw of them all, was that he didn’t feel I needed to marry him, but that I wanted to.
Fast forward 7 months from his proposal, we said our vows to each other in the witness of our most loved ones. And it was nothing short of magical.
So why am I telling you this story? Because, in most relationships there’s a sticky subject that too often we tend to hyper focus on. And when we focus on and feed the “problem” it inevitably grows into something way too big to manage that the only solutions left are to settle or break up.
And my hope is that through this example, you can see another way. One that is more inspired by love than fear, and appreciation over dissatisfaction.
If you can train yourself to see through the lens of what is working for you and what you want (as opposed to what you don’t want, or what you’re afraid of), then the person you’re with will either line up, or line out of your life. Because the Universe always gives you more of what you’re focused on.
Put your attention on what you want in a relationship, which I’m willing to bet includes more love, harmony and togetherness, and let the Universe take care of the rest – whether that means getting what you want with the person you’re with, or with someone who’s a better match for you.
Peace & love,