What would you say is the biggest mistake you can make in a relationship? Cheating, lying, selfishness, neediness…all of the above?
Yes, those are all big ones – and when you think about it, they all boil down to one core underlying idea:
Not bringing yourself to the relationship.
Before you go throwing darts telling me about all the ways you sacrificed yourself for your man and your relationship, and how you were nothing but in the relationship – let me explain how that’s actually part of the problem.
That very act of self-sacrifice that you think makes you the best girlfriend ever is actually you not bringing yourself to the relationship.
Your sweetheart didn’t fall for you because of all the things you did for him (though that did sweeten the package); he fell for you because of who you were and all the things you did for yourself!
He loved how much you dedicated yourself to your work, friends, family and all the things you’re passionate about. He loved you for your sense of humour, your independence, balanced by your soft desire of him. He loved you for your zest for life.
The woman who stresses and sacrifices her happiness for him and the relationship, is not familiar to him. She makes him feel pressured and uncomfortable.
When you’re taking care of yourself, being honest, being faithful, speaking up, indulging in your passions, and living YOUR best life, that’s when you’re bringing yourself to the relationship. You’re being present and authentically you.
If you find that sometimes you think more about how to make the relationship work, than about being yourself, you gotta know that this robs you, your partner and really, the world, of the beauty and magnificence that is you. And that’s a shame.
I know this, because I’ve done this.
I’ve dimmed my light in past relationships for the sake of “making things work”. I lost time, energy (and a bit of my sanity), worrying and stressing about how I could make the relationship last. Thriving wasn’t even the goal, I just wanted us to survive.
And in that state, I was far from being the funny, loving, free flowing spirit that I know myself to be.
As much as I was invested in the relationship, I wasn’t bringing myself to the relationship – and for that, we all lost something valuable.
Check in with yourself often. Are you being yourself? Is it easy to be around your bf/gf? Are you communicating your desires? Are you engaged in all the other areas of your life? How much of your mind, time and energy are spent obsessing about your relationship? Are you being authentically you?
Only you know the answers to these questions, and only you can know if you’re bringing yourself to the relationship in a true way.
Bring it, or don’t bother being there. You’re way too precious of a resource to go wasting.
Peace, love and fixing the biggest mistake you can make in a relationship,