I guess there are some things you don’t know about me.
Like the fact that insecurities and body issues were my close companions for the better half of my teenage years. And after dieting and diet pills, I found my real drug of choice at the age of thirteen, bulimia.
If you don’t know, bulimia is when you make yourself purge after eating – and often, after eating too much. It doesn’t get you very far, and it sure ain’t pretty, but I struggled with it for four years.
I tried to stop by using my will power, but the change never lasted long.
Will power wasn’t gonna get me there. I needed something more. Something sustainable, foundational, something higher and greater than “me”.
Step in awareness and self-love.
I don’t know that I was conscious of what I was tapping into, and I do know that I wasn’t using the words awareness and self-love to describe it. But that’s the beauty in this. We don’t always have to know exactly what we’re doing – we just have to let our higher selves guide us there.
And so the journey began.
I started taking better care of myself by being (more) gentle with my so-called faults and weaknesses and by focusing more on hobbies that brought me joy, like writing and singing. I was also eating healthier and less drastically, one way or the other. And I started to accept that I needed to get healthy, not “thin”.
I also started to practice awareness. I slowed down just enough, to become the witness of myself. Noticing what I was doing, thinking or saying that usually led me to that thing I didn’t want to do.
So I started to catch myself on the cusp of that very moment, when I was about to go overboard, knowing full well I had a “solution” for it afterwards. And even for the times where I gave in and went too far, I was aware that I still had a choice.
I had the choice not to purge. I could forgive myself instead.
My journey to recovery came with its trips and falls, but every time I fell I became kinder to myself. And the kinder I became, the better I wanted to treat myself. Which meant, eventually, no more bulimia.
The more I loved myself, the more I grasped at a deeper level, how much I really had to give in this world. And I was going to need my body on board to do it.
My spirit chose this beautiful body for this life, and with awareness and self-love I will honour that choice.
Peace, awareness and self-love,
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